The Big D

  This is a topic I don't think I've ever written about before and although I'm not ashamed to write it I still worry of the repercussions. I know that maybe no one will read it, however, knowing that it is there, for anyone to view is daunting.
  
  I wanted to write about this purely for the fact that it may help someone. This could be something that a person suffering may read and realise that it does get better.
  I think that's probably one of the worst things you can be told when you are going through a hard time; 'It will get better in the end.' Yet, it is actually true.


  This blog is a dedication to the torment of depression. I am not a medical professional so I don't want to speak of the types, symptoms or anything like that. This is my personal view of it all, my account. 
  From the age of 10 I began feeling 'low'. I didn't know what was wrong but I felt very angry and upset a lot of the time. It slowly progressed as the years went by and at 10 it wasn't anything too obvious, it was just from time to time I would feel bad. At 13 I think it really began. I would sit in my room listening to Coldplay and just cry, for no real reason. I used to write very dark poetry, which I think I still have. I kept it because I want to have it as a reminder; a reminder of a time when I thought my life was over. I felt very alone, isolated, like nobody liked me. At school I was a recluse, I had friends but I didn't feel like they wanted me around. 
  At 14 years old I went to Italy on a school trip, I laughed the whole way there with my friends and was looking forward to the adventure. I was sent home on the second day in Rome. I won't say what happened, but it was stupid and something I have regretted ever since. I had a 'bad day' and my actions were stupid. There was a teacher on my trip who I felt I could talk to but I approached the situation wrong and made a decision that would affect my life. I remember coming home and seeing my parents who were heartbroken. They had no idea how much I was suffering and felt useless. This, in turn, made me feel so much worse. From then I spiralled down even further.


  My last few years of school were a blur. I had completely isolated myself from everyone. I ended up in a bad relationship with someone from another school. This was another turning point for me. I spent 6 months happy with him and then another 6 in painful misery, for reasons which will not be spoken about here. I decide who knows. I had trauma growing up and in some ways, I brought it on myself, however, NO ONE should have to live through that.
  I spent my GCSE Dance lessons alone, mostly, trying to find inspiration for my solo piece but all I could think was 'I can't be here any more.' I found counsel from teachers who helped me pick myself up slowly. I had huge body confidence issues which still haven't left me now. Friends I thought I had left me without reason. I remember one time that will always stay with me. I was meant to be going to the cinema with one friend and about 10 minutes from arriving, I found out that he couldn't make it. I accepted it and went home and got on with my weekend. On the Monday, I came back to school to find that he had cancelled me and met up with another of my friends. They had both lied to me. I felt so alone. He had told me he had to look after his younger sibling when in actual fact he didn't want to be near me. This was at a time where I was over coming my depression, but it threw me straight back to square 1.


  Since then, I have become much tougher skinned. I started college with the outlook of making friends and getting through it. Strong. Powerful. Me. It worked. I still had my down days but I pushed through the struggle.


  I know, still suffer with it. I am not ashamed to admit it. It's hard work. I am known as 'Happy Hannah' at work and have been told I have such a positive outlook on life and this is true. I do have a positive view now. I have a wonderful family, good friends and a fantastic partner. My life is complete. I work hard at everything I do and I will always do that. Everyone has a past and things they regret. Although there are a few things I have done, which have been unbelievably stupid, I wouldn't change them for the world. Without the mistakes we don't learn.


  For anyone out there that does suffer with this horrible illness. You are not alone. No matter how much you feel it, there will always be someone out there who cares. Everyone is different and we all live in different ways. Embrace your quirks and love them because you will find someone else who loves them too. Life is too short to be sad. Find things you love and stick to them. When I feel down I read, sing or write and these are things I couldn't be without. Failing that, I put on 'Gavin and Stacey' and laugh. Laughter is your inbuilt medication.


  I have been fairly brief about my experiences but I am happy to talk about anything further. Please contact me if you ever need any help. I've been through a lot despite not being able to mention it on here.


  I am not embarrassed to say I suffer with it and neither should you, if you do. Talk to someone and let's beat it! Because you can.