Social?

  Some people are born with the confidence to talk to anyone others find it just a little more difficult. I used to be one of the latter.
  Since the rise of social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter people are able to document their lives online daily; allowing friends and others to see what's going on in their lives. Has this way of social contact limited our ability to socialise in person? We are able to hide behind a screen making our world seem busy and fun, but is this always really the case?
  Years ago Myspace used to be the 'big thing'. I, at 15, used to be obsessed with it; constantly uploading photos, statuses and events. I was able to be who I wanted to be. I could show people who I wanted to be and maybe not always be 100% honest about it. It was a form of escape from the mundane routine of school, at that time. I would go out, even just to town, and take photos of the day just to prove I was busy and social. In actual fact, I was very shy. I hadn't found the confidence to blossom. I met lots of different people and there were some who were very chatty and I was able to fall comfortably in to conversation with them; there were others, I found, that were the same as me. Online we I used to chat with friends of friends and they were bubbly, confident and interesting when on face to face contact they were quiet and shy. To find such a contrast it's incredible. Hiding behind the screen gave us the confidence to be who we secretly wanted to be.


  Nowadays, I think social networking, for me, has changed. I no longer need to pretend to be someone I'm not, I don't pretend to do lots of different things. I actually do them. I document times in my life that are important to me, I'm not so fussed about putting new photos up every week. I don't hide behind a screen giving out a false impression, I am the same in person.
  I met the love of my life years ago and after a long wait we are finally together now. We live together and spend as much time as we can afford together. Last year, I had the best summer ever, going to different local events, drinking until stupid o'clock and being silly. It was the most fun I've had in years. He is such a social butterfly (yes, he's very girly) and has the ability to talk to anyone. I had gained my social confidence at college by doing drama/performing arts and having to start with a whole new group of people. This was a momentous turning point for me and it has changed me for the better. Not only did college help it was also being with a man who has such a natural skill of talking. He has given me speaking confidence that I never thought I'd have. He has and continues to, introduce me to lots of different people, of all ages and backgrounds and I am now able to hold my own in a conversation. There are some I like and some I don't but either way I am able to deal with and converse with each according to the situation. For this, I'm eternally grateful.


  Using social media to promote yourself and give an impression is still relevant today especially when you look at musicians who use it to create a solid fan base. It's a great platform to start a career but with everyone doing it there's no way of knowing who to follow, without going through each and every person. There are those who use social media in a negative way; getting kicks out of bullying others. Looking at the instance of Cher Lloyd, who is like Marmite; you either love her or hate her. I, personally, think she's a good inspiration for young girls. Cher has been harassed online for a long time now and is publicly speaking about it, which is great. She isn't the only one to suffer from it but I think it must bring great comfort to people to know that they aren't alone. Anyone who bullies is just showing their own insecurities but by doing it and hiding behind a screen just goes to show how even more pathetic they actually are. There have been reports of those who write disgusting comments on memorial profiles. This, I will never understand and to anyone who does it; You are worthless.


  Maybe sometimes we need to hide behind things because we are scared of being honest with who we really are. Yet, maybe now, we can put down the 'screen' and be true to ourselves. By pretending to be someone else not only are you hiding from others, you're hiding from yourself. 


  

Blinded by self doubt

  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has days like this. The sudden feeling that you haven't and/or won't achieve anything in life. It doesn't even have to last for a day, it could just be a few minutes of self doubt and you end up thinking you're the worst person in the world. This isn't true though, you aren't. In fact by having this brief spell of self doubt it goes to show that you have something you want to do, you're just being a worrier. 
  There are plenty of people in this world who are natural born worriers, then there are those who are so laid back they go full circle. I like to think I'm a mix of the two; I hope, nearer the laid back side of things, but others will probably tell you different. I know people at both ends of the scale but I couldn't imagine being like that. Not caring about anything or worrying so much about every little detail that it consumes you? No thanks, you can keep that to yourself.


  Self doubt is something we all encounter through our life journey. Without it we can't be inspired or encouraged to go on. The doubt helps, it gives you the opportunity to say, 'I will do this and I will prove it to myself, and everyone.' Doubting our abilities is a natural thing to do. I doubt, sometimes,  that I will ever be in a job that I've always wanted to do; due to not going to University. No matter what happens, going to University will always be a last resort, I don't believe a piece of paper should make you more qualified for a job if you have talent and passion. 


  Once you've found something you've always wanted or that makes your heart flutter even more then go for it! Ignore the little voice that's telling you that you're no good at anything. So, there may be loads of people all going for the job, you might think other people write better than you or you might not have the same start in life as everyone? Who, actually cares? If you think you've got a chance then give it a damn good go! 'You only get one chance in life to make a difference.'

The Big D

  This is a topic I don't think I've ever written about before and although I'm not ashamed to write it I still worry of the repercussions. I know that maybe no one will read it, however, knowing that it is there, for anyone to view is daunting.
  
  I wanted to write about this purely for the fact that it may help someone. This could be something that a person suffering may read and realise that it does get better.
  I think that's probably one of the worst things you can be told when you are going through a hard time; 'It will get better in the end.' Yet, it is actually true.


  This blog is a dedication to the torment of depression. I am not a medical professional so I don't want to speak of the types, symptoms or anything like that. This is my personal view of it all, my account. 
  From the age of 10 I began feeling 'low'. I didn't know what was wrong but I felt very angry and upset a lot of the time. It slowly progressed as the years went by and at 10 it wasn't anything too obvious, it was just from time to time I would feel bad. At 13 I think it really began. I would sit in my room listening to Coldplay and just cry, for no real reason. I used to write very dark poetry, which I think I still have. I kept it because I want to have it as a reminder; a reminder of a time when I thought my life was over. I felt very alone, isolated, like nobody liked me. At school I was a recluse, I had friends but I didn't feel like they wanted me around. 
  At 14 years old I went to Italy on a school trip, I laughed the whole way there with my friends and was looking forward to the adventure. I was sent home on the second day in Rome. I won't say what happened, but it was stupid and something I have regretted ever since. I had a 'bad day' and my actions were stupid. There was a teacher on my trip who I felt I could talk to but I approached the situation wrong and made a decision that would affect my life. I remember coming home and seeing my parents who were heartbroken. They had no idea how much I was suffering and felt useless. This, in turn, made me feel so much worse. From then I spiralled down even further.


  My last few years of school were a blur. I had completely isolated myself from everyone. I ended up in a bad relationship with someone from another school. This was another turning point for me. I spent 6 months happy with him and then another 6 in painful misery, for reasons which will not be spoken about here. I decide who knows. I had trauma growing up and in some ways, I brought it on myself, however, NO ONE should have to live through that.
  I spent my GCSE Dance lessons alone, mostly, trying to find inspiration for my solo piece but all I could think was 'I can't be here any more.' I found counsel from teachers who helped me pick myself up slowly. I had huge body confidence issues which still haven't left me now. Friends I thought I had left me without reason. I remember one time that will always stay with me. I was meant to be going to the cinema with one friend and about 10 minutes from arriving, I found out that he couldn't make it. I accepted it and went home and got on with my weekend. On the Monday, I came back to school to find that he had cancelled me and met up with another of my friends. They had both lied to me. I felt so alone. He had told me he had to look after his younger sibling when in actual fact he didn't want to be near me. This was at a time where I was over coming my depression, but it threw me straight back to square 1.


  Since then, I have become much tougher skinned. I started college with the outlook of making friends and getting through it. Strong. Powerful. Me. It worked. I still had my down days but I pushed through the struggle.


  I know, still suffer with it. I am not ashamed to admit it. It's hard work. I am known as 'Happy Hannah' at work and have been told I have such a positive outlook on life and this is true. I do have a positive view now. I have a wonderful family, good friends and a fantastic partner. My life is complete. I work hard at everything I do and I will always do that. Everyone has a past and things they regret. Although there are a few things I have done, which have been unbelievably stupid, I wouldn't change them for the world. Without the mistakes we don't learn.


  For anyone out there that does suffer with this horrible illness. You are not alone. No matter how much you feel it, there will always be someone out there who cares. Everyone is different and we all live in different ways. Embrace your quirks and love them because you will find someone else who loves them too. Life is too short to be sad. Find things you love and stick to them. When I feel down I read, sing or write and these are things I couldn't be without. Failing that, I put on 'Gavin and Stacey' and laugh. Laughter is your inbuilt medication.


  I have been fairly brief about my experiences but I am happy to talk about anything further. Please contact me if you ever need any help. I've been through a lot despite not being able to mention it on here.


  I am not embarrassed to say I suffer with it and neither should you, if you do. Talk to someone and let's beat it! Because you can.

It comes from anywhere

  I've just read a blog by a good friend of mine, Vicky. It was eye opening to see a someone else's idea of inspiration and this, in turn, inspired me to write this.
  I thought of what inspired me, was it song lyrics, a celebrity, a member of my family or something else, even more simple? On reflection I remembered a time when I had my first proper realisation. Sat in a field, at 16 years of age in the village I grew up, Crowhurst. It was summer time, there was a gentle breeze and the sun beat down on me as I looked across one of my favourite views. This, for me, was, and still is perfection. I remember sitting there and realising that life isn't as bad as I thought it was. I had very dark days from the age of 10. I suffered with depression for years but didn't do anything about it until I was about 16. Still, to this day, I suffer with it and this is something I am not ashamed, or afraid, to talk about. 
  I used to go for walks all the time and loved spending time outdoors exploring the place I grew up in. It was my release. My time to reflect on things that were getting me down. However, this particular instant I felt like my eyes had really been opened to what was going on in my life and why I felt so alone. It triggered a remarkable, on-going recovery for me and as I began college, my life picked up tremendously. I looked out at this view and thought, 'I am better than this. I can get through it and I will.' 


  Inspiration can come in such a wide variety of forms. As I mentioned before it could be from a song, celebrity or even a family member, but no matter where it comes from it can always be used in such a positive way. Inspiration can overwhelm you at times. I find this especially true when I write. If something inspires me I write. I may not always publish it but if I have something that has captured me, I have to document it. Granted, it might not always be an incredible piece of prose but it is always going to be something personal to me that I can look back on at any given time. 


  I am firm believer that you should stick to what you love and what you believe. No one has the right to tell you that your idea of inspiration is wrong. We are all unique and look at the world in different ways. I am fascinated by other people and I could quite happily sit in the shopping centre and observe. This is another source of inspiration for me; people. They don't have to say or do anything, just their general behaviour is interesting. You wonder what are they like, what are they thinking, what inspired their choice in clothes or choice in partner. All these things are unique to that person and only until you ask will you really know. 


  The countryside and people, whether they be famous or not, these are my top inspirations. There are numerous amount of things that can take your breath away, shock or even disgust you but each thing can bring a reaction. This is inspiration.


  Embrace it. Feel it. Be inspired.

We fell in love in a hopeless place

Love is a word that is thrown about so freely that at times it can lose it’s meaning. To love another is to give yourself wholly. Are there really lessons in love? Well, of course. As people we must love and lose to truly understand it’s grace and power. From crushing heartbreak comes a lesson. No matter what the cause of any relationship ending we can all learn from each experience to gain a better perspective on what we really want from another. I do not believe in there only being one person for each of us in this world. I also do not believe in love at first sight, however, I do believe that someone so incredible that they take your breath away can turn your life upside down in a second. I have been lucky enough to meet that person. After years of knowing one another from a distance, he was always the last person I ever expected to fall for, but here I am totally head over heels in love.

  After a variety of relationships, some short, some more serious others completely rubbish to those, which have brought me happiness, I am able to actually understand the power that love has. There are all kinds of different types of love and how love can be expressed. There is love for your family, love for friends, love for passions and interests within life or those as enchanting as for a life partner. These are all expressed in countless different ways, through physical contact, words or just a simple understanding, yet each is as influential as the other.

  Falling in love can be one of the most beautiful experiences we are given the opportunity of feeling. Sometimes it can be a gradual process whilst other times it can be sudden and hit you like a tonne of bricks. I am very forthright with how I feel when it comes to love and like. I know my own mind, my own feelings and I know how I feel and I would not say it unless I mean it. When you fall in love it’s like an awakening. You see the world in a different way, through different eyes. Everything seems to just fall in to place. I felt like my life had shifted when I fell in love, he had changed my priorities and made me see how everything can change within a second if you allow it. With positive encouragement come positive experiences. I feel I have turned full circle in the last month or so, just from his support and love. He inspires me in a way that it makes me want to be a better person. I can see myself achieving almost anything because I know I have him with me.

 For years I trudged through each day just ‘getting on with it’, not expecting anything incredible to happen but then one day, it did. It was so sudden, so unexpected but for someone like me, who never has any luck, this was amazing. We had known each other for a while, through work and other people, but never before had it occurred to me that he would be the one. How scary is it to say that? The One. 

  I always dreamt of the big wedding, having my own family, growing old with the man of my dreams. There are many people who think that life can’t be that simple, but I will always argue why not? Life is only made over complicated because we make it that way. Of course, life throws obstacles at us all the time but it’s how we overcome the problems that make us who we are. To think that after all these years of failed relationships and heartbreak I would be sitting here writing about how one man has changed the way I look at life.

  He, in my eyes, has always been amazing. I don’t ever remember anyone having a bad word to say about him and maybe that’s one of the reasons I never did anything about how I felt. Bad boys are never worth the hassle, as I’ve found out through experience. I always thought that being treated like crap was how it was meant to be. I’d gotten so used to having people mess me around I didn’t think or believe I deserved to be happy. I am proof that love can strike at any moment and under any circumstance, it’s all about patience and belief. Don’t go looking for love; let it come to you naturally. This whole process makes the wait even more worthwhile especially when you have found the perfect person for you.

  I only saw him a couple of times a week and it would never be more than a ‘Hi. How are you?’ but I always thought there was something about him, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

  Back in the day he was with a girl, they looked really good together and I was always jealous of her. She was tall, pretty and to make it worse, skinny! They always seemed really happy but I did used to wonder to myself when they used to walk past why he went for her. Her history and attitude is something I will never understand. I guess it’s the same as going for bad boys, you always think you can change them and they’ll love you. Deep down though you know that will never happen.

 

  I am now at a point in my life where I feel grounded, confident in my own skin, as though I can do anything. This has come after a lot of soul searching, loss, loneliness and struggle but it’s here now. Life and love lessons are those to be cherished and enjoyed, for without them, we would be mere soulless shells.

  

We always seek better

From early on I realised I never felt quite complete unless I was either writing or performing. I find comfort in words and how easily they can affect us. A motivating speech or a delicate poem can transport us to a whole new way of looking at life. A favourite of mine comes from ‘Leisure’ by W.H. Davies. It evokes a sense of bliss within me and reminds me of the beauty that sits outside the four walls in which I live. Just simple words can have such a strong message; they can make you passionate and appreciative of what you have within your life now. Reading that poem brings a sense of calm to any day.

  I am blessed to live surrounded by such beautiful landscape. Not only am I by the sea but also I am lucky enough to have the rolling hills of the South Downs around me. To take a walk along the promenade or along the cascading hills brings me inspiration and gratitude to the life I have, no matter what hardship I am facing. Being among this dazzling beauty reignites my passion for living, it inspires me to write which in turn I hope to inspire others. I took a walk earlier today and as I looked out across the landscape I saw what I could only describe as perfection. The peaceful countryside lay before me in all it’s glory, as I looked down upon the town in which I live I wondered to myself whether others ever saw the world in a similar way to me. As the cars trundled down the road was everyone content, could they all see the splendour that I could see?

  At 21, I have come to learn how everyone is unique, original and important. Of course, I knew this before, we are all taught of equality and fairness throughout life and this is so very significant. It is highly vital to feel self-assured within an ever-changing world. I have come to a point in life where I feel complete and although there will always be areas of improvement, I feel as though I know myself, my capabilities and weaknesses.

  It’s hard to come to this point of realisation without taking inspiration from others and situations. No matter what negativity is affecting your life right now, you must always remember that there is someone else out there either going through worse, or is in the same situation. As much as we are all unique we are all united in the sense that we face difficulties at intervals during our lives. I sometimes get the feeling that I was born at the wrong time and in the wrong place, I’ve always felt disjointed from the rest of the world. It’s odd to describe but harder to understand, trust me!

  Take time out for yourself and find a place that you can use to ground yourself. Let your spirit lift and your soul recharge. It doesn’t have to be every day it can be as little as once every few weeks; but if you need the time, take it! The world won’t come to an end if you take some time for yourself. 

Change is a coming

Change.

  Life is and always will be a struggle, for some more than others, yet life is also a blessing. Everyone goes through hard times but it’s how we overcome them and deal with them that makes us who we are. There is no need to live in the past but also don’t forget it, you are the present and will become the future. We have been given the chance to live. The chance to experience, learn, create and discover.

  Why wait until tomorrow to change, why not today? You should live for the moment, live for the thrill. Not knowing what will happen can sometimes be as exciting as the end result. No matter what you do with life surely living it and being true to yourself holds the most precedence. If you get an idea, act upon it. Of course, there are things that tie us down, we all have responsibilities in all different shapes and sizes but imagine if you looked back over your entire life would you be truly happy and feel like you had given your best in everything you’ve ever done? Life is far too short to be wondering ‘what if?’ What if I’d said this? What if I’d done things differently? Regrets are a natural part of our human nature but it’s far better to have lived and tried than to not have bothered at all. Rejection is all part of it. It is something we can learn and grow from no matter how small it is. Determination and strength is key to our survival. If you work hard, give it your all then at least you can look back and say you tried. You tried for something you were passionate about and wanted. There is nothing to lose, only fear.

  Some people fear change and this can be easily remedied. Open your eyes to the life you have and see it for what it really is. Beautiful. Whether you live alone, with a big family, have a high paying job or do voluntary work; you have been given the chance at life, so grab it with both hands! Change should not be feared but embraced for bringing you new and exciting challenges and opportunities. Saying goodbye can be hard but you will always have memories and will have learnt so much through experience.

  It can sometimes seem difficult to make a positive change when everything in life seems to be falling apart. It goes without saying, that just speaking to someone else can begin the chain reaction for change in life, whether it is a friend, family member or a doctor. There will always be someone there for you no matter whom and no matter what. Taking control on a situation can suddenly empower you and give you that willingness to help yourself. Change for the good and make your world a better place.

Realisation

Realisation.

   I have a wonderful family, a job, a place to live and now, an incredible partner, but it seems that no matter how good I am or how much I do for others I always seem to get the short straw! I have had to struggle and fight for the life and mentality I have now. Without any of the difficulties I wouldn’t be the way I am today so for that I am grateful. I am lucky to have found a point in life where I am a very positive person, I pride myself on being able to bring a positive spin to any situation but this hasn’t come about easily. It took a lot of realisation and understanding to really appreciate what I have and who I am. I made a life decision to be happier and here I am today.  This attitude to life has to start from somewhere; it has to come from some form of awakening you experience that suddenly opens the world up in a brand new way.

  Mine came when I sat in the fields back where I grew up. As I sat amongst the long grass, in the hazy summer, listening to life go by it hit me. That was it, my heart fluttered and my stomach began to do somersaults but I finally felt complete. I had had an awakening like never before. My meditating in that field had been what I needed to make me realise how lucky I am to be part of such a beautiful world. This was my stimulus and from then on I have used the countryside and nature as my grounding. Whenever I feel low or I’m finding life hard just sitting alone in the peace and quiet brings back what is important to me.

  The realisation of a situation is vitally important to helping you gain a better understanding on what you want from life and how you can fulfil this.

Significance.

How can we start again?

A fresh start.

  Look at your life. Are you happy? Truly happy, not just face value but deep in your heart and soul. It’s easy to become settled into a routine, a running order in your life but is this the key to being completely happy? New starts can come at any moment in time, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a new year, a new month it could simply be a new day. It is different for everyone and this is why this world is a fascinating place to be in, as everything and everyone is evolving and changing at alternate times. Be grateful for change and embrace it, no matter when it happens. It doesn’t have to be a forced change it could also be abrupt; but each comes with a blessing, sometimes in disguise. For some things the alteration may only be slight yet for others it could turn the world on it’s head! Either way, they have been brought to you for a reason. It is how you deal with change that shapes the person you are. The blessings of every change vary in each circumstance and you may not realise what you have gained until years after.

  To really achieve a fresh start you must take small steps to gain the life you have always wanted. The key to success is to remember to follow your heart. If it makes you happy and does not jeopardise the happiness and well being of someone else then there is no reason not to go on. By taking baby steps you are not applying too much pressure on yourself to become a superhero over night! Little achievements spur you on to do more and so on. As long as you are honest with yourself and what you want, you can’t go wrong. But remember; it’s better to have tried and failed, than to never have tried at all!

Getting old

  My jobs involves working with old people. I love it. I never thought this would be something I could enjoy but in actual fact, it's one of my favourite jobs I've had so far!
  It's not always nice seeing the people I look after. Not because of the people but purely for what's wrong with them. Old age can sneak up on you and catch you out so suddenly. I don't want to get old but I think it's starting early. 


  I don't want this to be a sad post about growing old but let's just remember that although they drive slowly, take ages getting round the supermarket and hold up queues; they were young once and that will be you one day.


 At 22 years old I am finding myself increasingly pre historic. I take afternoon naps, I love Countryfile and I can't think of anything better than looking at curtain samples. Oh dear. That's another thing; does saying 'my dear' a lot make me old? Either way, I never expected myself to be doing this. I used to vow that I'd always hate garden centres and I'd never care about soft furnishings. I always used to moan when I was younger when I got 'dragged' to the garden centres, it used to bored me senseless; now, I can't wait to have my own garden and vegetable patch.
  Emmerdale is another thing I have found 'soothes my inner oldie'. I watch it religiously and if I am working I try to remember to record it! Let's not start on my memory or I will be booking myself in to the nursing home I work at!
  Maybe growing older isn't such a bad thing. Maybe there isn't anything to be scared of or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better about turning in to my nan. Who knows? Either way, I am going to grow old gracefully and bloody enjoy my younger years until I can't remember what I did 5 minutes previously.


  Lovely my dear. Right, I'm off for my evening tea and nap before I start my knitting ;)