Maybe it's time to go

    Sometimes I sit here and wonder why I'm still here. Why didn't I take the chance to leave, to move on and maybe go somewhere better? Then, I look back on why I didn't leave and I'm glad. If I had gone I would never of had the life experience I have gained by staying. Through most of it it seems that I didn't go because of relationships. I've never been someone who thought a man/woman would determine what I do with life, yet for some reason, it happened and I suspect, will do, for ever more. Is that a bad thing? Am I always going to be this loving, where I'd give up my life and dreams for someone else? I think it might.

  Now for some people, they see me as head strong, determined, out going, fierce but in reality I'm a right soppy mare who can't bear the thought of being alone. Maybe now is the time I start taking risks...

  I want an adventure. I want to disappear and explore the world. I want to be free, yet it always seems unattainable. I can't just leave. I have no money, no friends anywhere I could go to, I would be lost and alone. My biggest fear. Yet I came to think that sometimes in life it's all about the fear. We should just leap into the deep end and then face the consequences; not caring of what happens as long as you are happy. Life is full of lessons and I think if I've learnt anything, it's be who you want to be. Live your life making yourself happy. Of course, don't be so selfish that you cut everyone important out of your life and end up being unable to sustain a relationship, but make sure you feel complete for as much of your life as you can.

  I know sometimes I don't and it's really all my fault. 

  Looking at my life, I'm happy, not fully complete, but happy.

  

Are you blind?

  I'm not entirely sure what went through his mind but seriously?

  I don't quite remember agreeing to having a professional photo shoot. In fact, I'm pretty sure I refused hands down and said I can't think of anything worse.

  Despite my previous blog about loving oneself, that does not mean I want to be in front of a camera with someone taking horrific photos of my disgrace of a face. No thanks.

  

  So next Saturday I am being dragged to have my photos taken with my partner. Lovely if I was photogenic, yet this is my worst nightmare.

Wish I wasn't me

  There used to be days when all I wanted to do was jump out of my life and into someone elses. I used to cry myself to sleep I was so unhappy with who I was. If someone had told me all those years ago, that at the grand age of 22, I'd look back and laugh, I wouldn't have believed them.

  Yet here I am, happier than ever. If I could ever give anyone any advice, it was always be: 'It may seem like crap now, but it is going to get so much better.'


   Being skinny always seemed to plague me. I was never over weight or anything but I always felt so disgusting in comparison to my peers, which now, seems ridiculous. When I go out I dress how I want, I look how I want. Big hair, big make up and clothes that I love. I wouldn't have it any other way now. Just the thought of looking like everyone else makes me feel wrong! When I go out into town for a night out, it stuns me how much everyone looks alike; all in their tarty, short dresses and tits out. Yawn. Come on ladies, surely there's more to you than that?! (No, i don't really believe that either!) I like experimenting with different looks. I may go out in a typically 'normal' dress but I'll make sure I have big eye make up or big back combed hair. I get more compliments for being unique than anything else and that means so much more to me!


  So if you're ever feeling down about how you look or who you are, then experiment, look for inspiration around you. Just remember to ignore any grief people may give you, because, after all, they're only jealous.
  

Changing your mind as much as your undies

   I don't know how I do it. Every day I seem to feel differently about a decision I've made. Right now, it seems mainly to be about my career. I started caring 6 months ago thinking it was the job for me, that I wanted this as a full career. I'd planned to have my own palliative care home, looking after patients coping with cancer. Now, I can't seem to think of anything I'd rather do less.

  For some people deciding on a job they want is easy. They've always known, they took the courses, went to uni and are now going for it. Yet, I am sitting here, still in Eastbourne, with no clue as to what I want. I've flitted through so many different options; air stewardess, hairdresser, make up artist, carer, nurse, fashion designer, boutique owner, writer, actress, singer. The list is pretty much endless. Surely there is nothing wrong with a bit of ambition but why can't I decide?

  Even when I was little I was always pretending to be different things. One minute I was arresting my younger sister and putting her in prison then the next minute I am fixing a broken leg. Maybe I am stuck in that child-like mentality thinking that I can just be what I want but reality is soon catching up. 

  Is it time for me to grow up and choose or shall I stick to my guns and be free with my choices? I don't want to be stuck in a rut and working all day in a job I can't stand. 

   So here I go, out into the unknown. After losing my job on Monday for being ill I am back on the unemployment line fighting with thousands of others for one job. Ridiculous. No matter how much you try jobs seem so unattainable. Everything demands experience yet how are you to gain experience if they won't give you the opportunity to work? It seems stupid to me and I most definitely don't agree that Uni can get you further in life. Granted, it depends what you want to do, but I can still be successful without spending three years,  accumulating a huge amount of debt and being given a piece of paper, just to make some money. There are plans already in the pipeline for me, so fingers crossed this will go well for me. Trust me, I am going to work my ass off for this opportunity!

  But all said and done atleast I can go back to caring for the time being...